Natural World: The Mating Game – review Jul 20th 2013, 05:59
Sir David Attenborough teaches us all about the birds and the bees, and it never fails to fascinate
Hey, single fellas. Can't get any? Any … you know … sexy time? Perhaps you need a few tips from the animal kingdom, like those on offer here in Natural World: The Mating Game (BBC2). Take her tobogganing, as these polar bears are doing. How much fun does that look, sliding down steep snowy slopes on your backside? So she's a bit fitter – in every sense of the word – than you. But when it all gets too much, you can just lie down in the snow and pretend you're not bothered. There's nothing like indifference to reignite her interest.
He says, like he knows.
Or you could jump in the air, like a male widow bird. Or clear an area of the forest floor for an elaborate dancing display, like a six-plumed bird of paradise. He even fetches berries for her to nibble on while she watches … Oh, but it's not working. She nicks his polishing cloth and scarpers.
Shame – it's a beautiful dance, and I think he deserves something for his efforts. In fact it's all beautiful – the singing humpback whales, the rutting bison, the psychedelic dragonflies doing whatever it is dragonflies do. And the flamingos of Lake Bogoria, Tanzania, millions of them, moving all together, like flowing, pink love soup.
It's all pretty much the same as what we do, anyway. It's about showing her you're the best-looking and the strongest. You're the greatest dancer, fighter, singer, lover, with the biggest muscles, the brightest colours, the fanciest moves. You can get the flashest place to live, in the choicest location. You're fun to be with, you take risks, but you're also protective and nurturing. You smell great, and you can get berries. In short, you've got the best genes, and she'd be an idiot not to let you into her knickers to share them with hers.
It's hardly surprising then that Sir David Attenborough's voiceover gets a bit cheesy and anthropomorphic at times. "And all because the lady loves … the perfect place to lay her eggs," he says of the dragonflies. Perfectly understandable – appropriate, even – in the circumstances. What more could you want? Lovely animal porn, brought to you by a national treasure.
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